It’s always embarrassing when my parents are like “Oh my daughter went to Apponequet too do you remember Erica Manny???” because 11 times out of 10 they don’t because I don’t exist as a person and no one actually cares that I’m alive.
I hate when I know something is a bad idea, but I do it anyway because later on I’m like wow I feel like I was flushed down the toilet but that’s how I live my life and I can’t see that changing any time soon.
The only person that plays me at Ruzzle anymore is my dad and he sucks. Please play me my username is ericamanny thanks.
I posted this last night but I deleted it because I delete everything because I’m scared. I don’t know why I’m scared but I need to stop. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this anymore because I shouldn’t still be talking about it 5 months later and I shouldn’t still feel like this 5 months later, but if I don’t talk about it somewhere I’m going to explode. I’m going crazy and from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed I feel like I’m being punched in the stomach over and over again and then when I close my eyes it doesn’t get any better AND I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE and probably talk to someone about my feelings because I am being destroyed. DSJLFAJSDFKJDASLFDKJFDKSLJFALS I just really need to get this out I think.
I got straight A’s (Not even any A-’s. 3 A’s and 2 A+’s) and I keep saying it to myself because I don’t think that’s happened since middle school, but the trick is I took some freshmen classes because I transferred so I feel like my straight A’s don’t even mean that much.
Today I had to meet with my professor about being a tutor next semester and it felt like an awkward first date and I’m kind of uncomfortable about it. He talked to me for two hours and probably about tutoring for five minutes. He kept talking about how much he loves traveling and about the guy he hired to do his taxes and how he bought a house in the woods to be his “year-round summer retreat” and how he’s been working on it for six years and how he isn’t married and how he doesn’t have kids (I think he’s lonely) and everything not about being a tutor. I got his digits and he wants me to go help him finish building his house in the woods over the summer.
My brother is apparently the best high school carpenter on this side of the Mississippi and my mom tagged me in some pictures of him on Facebook people are going to think I care.
Not everything is bad, though. Kyle and I have become really, really close and I like it because this is the first time I’ve had a good relationship with one of my siblings. His new thing is telling me to be happy whenever he sees me and it’s nice. Also, Jenn and Erin have helped a lot. If it wasn’t for them I would literally be by myself 24/7 so it’s nice to hang out with them a couple times a week. I’m sorry if you guys feel like you have to babysit me, but just know you’re good babysitters and I really appreciate it. Also, my grades have been really good and I’m proud of that, but I just hope they don’t all die in these last couple weeks because it feels like that’s what’s going to happen. Also Ashley comes home next week and Jess is home and it’s almost summer so that’s nice.
There’s only two weeks left of the semester and I can’t stop thinking about how bad these past few months have been. I think I already made a post like this but I don’t care. I guess it all started when I left Endicott in the winter. I didn’t really think leaving my friends would be that big of deal and I was excited to start UMass and be happy again. But then right around Christmas a relationship that I care about and want more than anything fell apart right before my eyes and I lost one of my best friends along with it. I’ve just been so lonely since then. My friends are all an hour and a half away and I’ve only seen them 3 or 4 times (Ashley is 9 hours away poop). I spend so much time alone in my room that I’m starting to get annoyed with myself. My dad lost his job in January and he still hasn’t found another one. He acts like he’s not worried, but it’s starting to worry me. My relationship with my mom falls apart daily. She doesn’t get me and I don’t get her and all we do is clash heads. I felt really good for about a month and then something happened and I felt like myself again. I really thought it was going to last and I was so so happy, but of course it didn’t. It feels like whenever something good happens, it just all comes crashing down. Now I feel like I’m back at square one, and in some ways it’s worse this time around. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut that I just can’t get out of. I’m excited for this semester to end, but I’m also scared. I’m scared that things aren’t going to get better and I’m scared of what’s going to happen. I don’t know why, but I’m just having the hardest time picking myself up and moving on after these last few months. This has been a semester from hell and I just don’t know how to feel about anything anymore.
